a strange obsession

I can't put my finger on why I am in love with Alfred Hitchcock movies. All I know is that on my 'sick' days there is nothing I would rather do than curl up on the couch and have a marathon of silent, subtle suspense starring babes with perfect coiffures. There is something haunting and unnerving about his films. I think they scare me on a core level that no contemporary stab-a-thon could hope to accomplish. I appreciate the storytelling in his directing, the genius camera angles that never quite show us enough, and leave us begging for more. Its not that I enjoy being frightened. I simply enjoy watching a master of concieving human emotion with a lens and method actors. Simply put. Ingenius.

crazy people, lets be amazing

so. I do not understand why some girls completely sacrifice the ONE thing they can always claim. Dignity. My ex boyfriend's ex (who will not be named, we shall call her Jane Toe) has never stopped emailing me and harrassing him since the day we started dating. I just don't understand why she would lower herself and crawl back to someone that broke up with her. As a woman, I completely believe that break ups suck, yes. But, we need to rise and be better, find strength in ourselves. Chris and I broke up over the weekend. And it was one of the best, weirdest, and most unusual break ups of my life. It was SO mutual. I called him on the way home from his house and was like "We are ALWAYS on different pages. We are trying to have the same conversation in different languages." He totally agreed. And we decided we truly are better off as friends. Now, I will admit there is a bit of sadness at the parting of a relationship. Sure I miss him as a 'lover'. But the beautiful thing is, we are so completely honest and true to ourselves that we really ARE still best friends. We have talked every night since the break up like old times...like best friends. Its been bitter sweet realizing we are not meant for romantic love. But we can still share a friendship love. Now, onto Jane Toe. Why, why I ask myself would a talented, cute girl act the way she has acted? I have honestly felt so sorry for the way she has degraded herself and stooped to this primal level of girl clinging to man. What are we, living in the 1700's? Last time I checked this is one of THE most empowering ages for a woman to live. I truly wish she would, for her own benefit, see how crazy she has truly acted and move on and accept that she is talented and special, and just NOT for Chris. She will find someone else. And yes. I KNOW breakups suck. I am the ultimate romantic. I believe in fairy tales, I put my heart and soul into the happy ending. And though this is a time of sadness for me, it can also be a time of hope. My happy ending is still out there. As is Jane Toe's. If only she would rise up and become who she can be. Girls, come one. Lets not be crazy. Lets be Amazing.

Almost

You were my almost prince charming
My almost happy ending
My almost crush
My almost love

You were my almost fairy tale
My almost sunset
My almost lover
My almost magic

You were my almost best friend
My almost dreamer
My almost dumb fights
My almost you're rights

You were my almost I love you
My almost I need you
My almost I want you
My almost had you

Almost.

My Condolences

It wasn't cancer
Injury
Blood Loss
Or Heart Attack

But my condolences to your love lost

They watch me
Expecting
I'm dying
Or crying

Did I miss something?
Are we at a funeral?

My condolences to your love lost

Cause of death?
Lack of
Feeling
Perhaps
Little
Meaning
My condolences
To Neglect
And hollow
pride
and lack of
communication

Condolences

To the death of a romance
The death of two hearts
Condolences
To searching again
Being hungry again
Needing again

I give you. My condolences

Why.

Why. Its a funny word. Why Can mean so much. Can want so much. I find myself asking it often lately. And the logical answer is of course that Why's happen. Why's are the reason we live. Why does it hail on us the moment we think things will go okay? Why do we go through phases of loving and hating ourselves and not understanding Why? Why can't we understand where we come from and with that live with a peaceful reassurance? Why do we fall in love...why do we fall in hate...why do we accept someone completely, but someone else we turn away? Why do the holidays make us think about things that matter. Why Do things Matter? People matter. Why? Relationships matter. Why? Why are we our own worst enemies? Why do we create a world of slashed colors and restricted principals? Why are we afraid? Why do we give in? Why...sometimes...in the midst of chaos do we find the hero in ourselves? Why. Why. Why. A whiny word. An annoying word. But more than a word...a philosophy. And I think it exists in the world we live. Why floats around us like a hazy smog. And Why? I wish Why would go away. Sometimes.

talk about it

I don't want you to be another maybe
I don't want you to be another could have
Would have
If I had
said yes

I don't want you to be another too scared
I don't want you to be another weren't there
Almost
had you
but I lost you

I don't want you to be another I ran
I don't want you to be another just friends
But I am
scared to
talk about it

I just want to let you in
I just want to be a little brave
I just want to give you me
I just want to ride this wave

I don't want to push you away
I don't want to be alone forever
But I'm still
Trying
to talk about it

Can't Talk

It was one of those nights
the kind of nights, where the stars lit the sky
the moment when your eyes found mine
and you took me into your soul

you said I was everything
Everything you dreamed of
Everything, everything you wanted
Everything, everything you needed

And I said nothing

It was one of those times
the kind of times where the world stops spinning
the time of night, where morning is blushing over you
and I couldn't tell you
couldn't show you

that you were everything
Everything I dreamed of
Everything, everything I ever wanted
Everything, everything I ever needed

I said nothing.

Does it have to be so scary baby?
Do I have to give it all or nothing?
Because I can't give everything. I'm scared of losing everything.

Do I have to say it out loud baby?
Do you have to hear the words?
Can't you look at me and know

I'll give you everything but noise.