A few gems

Lately I have been reading Atlas Shrugged by the very talented and insightful Ayn Rand. When I have finished the novel (which is well over one thousand pages) I will post a little more. But for now, a few gems I have savored:

"Let me give you a tip on a clue to men's characters: the man who damns money has obtained it dishonorably; the man who respects it has earned it."

"Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think that you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong."

"A man's sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions.... He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value, will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer--because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement."

"What greater wealth is there than to own your life and to spend it on growing? Every living thing must grow. It can't stand still. It must grow or perish."

"There are two sides to every issue: one side is right and the other is wrong, but the middle is always evil"

"I take no pride in hopeless longing; I wouldn't hold a stillborn aspiration. I'd want to have it, to make it, to live it."

"Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver."

"If you don't know, the thing to do is not to get scared, but to learn."

And many, many more. The End. For now.

one on one hundred lonely

clock on my phone blinks 11:17, I tuck it away and fold my hands
fold them carefully, like I might fold a fancy dinner napkin
the longer it takes to fold my hands, the longer I can avoid looking at
Him.
I watch a speck of dust sigh in and out, all around the room
the room.
Its so full. Full of people. They have faces, but to me they are all one shade
Gray.
My heart catches in my throat when I see a flash of color. It dances in the gray. Teasing. Luring.
Blue.
Your eyes.
I see them for an instant that is split into a thousand splinters and then shatters.
Everything falls away because for a shattered second I have your eyes. And they have me. So completely we have each other.
My hands drop to my sides. They tingle.
And then You're gone.
And He is there.
His gray eyes watch me with authentic earnest that only rolls off my skin like marbles, heavy with disinterest.

Hundreds of bodies around me.
One on One across from me.
One on One's all around me.

I go back to folding my hands. Carefully, articulately I label each finger, each inch of flesh in my mind something to watch other than the carnival around me.

The last label I reserve for my pinkie finger, as I tuck it under all the rest: Lonely.

you know the feeling...

you know the feeling.
can't breathe because it hurts too much.
can't think because whenever you do you think about...
can't move because if you do you will move in only one direction. its like gravity.
always pulling you toward...
in so much pain.
didn't know my soul could crave something so strongly.

you are my one. you are my only. and for allergy related reasons I can never have you again

Sour Patch Kids.

My all time favorite relationship. You got me through some rough semesters.

this break will sting.

running around naked

I told someone EVERYTHING recently. The truth in all of its awkward, vulnerable, messiness. I shed the old sweater and let everything out. Things I have been terrified to say. Things I have been terrified to face. Well I said it. I faced it. And you know what? I've never felt more liberated in my entire life. It was like running naked across a park except with my emotions. I'm lucky the park in question was kind and let me run around naked as long as I needed. It felt amazing. I don't think I will hold anything back. Ever. From now on. It felt too dang good. To emotional nudity, cheers.

i am a song...a giant, massive, infested, song....

I have worked out so many of my feelings through writing music lately. Seriously. Who needs a therapist when you can slink away into a world of ivory keys and thudding chords? Lyrics run through my brain faster and more often than average conversation. I find myself thinking in lyrics constantly. This has many downsides...such as answering the register-lady at Wal-Mart in rhyme or alliteration...and humming like someone who has forgot their meds as I walk into work...or treasuring old receipts that I have used to capture my thoughts because my songbook is too full...And sometimes I even have one on one dialogue with myself through music...slightly crazy? yes. But helpful to my over all well being and emotional robustness? Very.

I seriously, seriously have to raise my glass in thanks for the song of today where I reside :-)

ps. working on the demo. Its REALLY happening. Like. Really. And I have been SWEATING my blood through some re-writes that I hope will pay off.

mysteries of said universe

WHAT is falling in love?

This has been discussed, dissected, poet-ic-ized-ed, music-a-fied since the dawn of the ages.

I have a collection of theories and thoughts. In no particular order I give them to you.

Falling in Love:

Having faith enough in another person to give them your heart.

Letting yourself feel too much, too fast and face planting in the end.

Breaking down your own walls to not only let in, but let out.

Thinking be damned. Feel it.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Fearless. Fearless. Fearless.

Not knowing for sure...but daring to go there anyway.

You cannot choose love necessarily, but you cannot feel love without becoming vulnerable, and you do choose who you are vulnerable to. So choose to be vulnerable. Better to feel the start of something, the hurt, the disappointment ... then to never feel at all. You can never feel the fullness of love without risking the sorrow. So risk. Risk it all.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Fearless. Fearless. Fearless.

And this post is utterly pointless except to help me explore song writing options. ha. Wow. WOW.

smiling when it hurts

Sometimes I want to run away. As I walked on stage tonight for my bow in Singin' in the Rain I felt the strong need to run. I didn't want to smile. I didn't want to sing. I didn't want to charm. I wanted to run. This has nothing to do with the wonderful experience of being in a show with my best friend and getting to know a whole new family, it has everything to do with the dissonance in my life.

Dissonance in music is one of my favorite qualities. I love the jagged way it can scrape at your soul with nothing more than a struck chord. I love how it sends chills down my spine and leaves a feeling of raw, unresolved promise.

But dissonance in life is hard to wade through. I think it can be the product of many circumstances, but it for me it is always internal. Something inside of me feels off.

I hate it. And the worst part is...I know where I need to turn. I know what I need to do. So why is it so hard? Part of why I feel like my soul is out of orbit with my body is all the change that is gripping at me, trying to pull me in a million directions, trying to tear right through me it seems. Change is hard. Necessary. But so hard.

Some thoughts as I drift in and out of after-show haze tonight:

I have so many unrealized dreams. Yet I have unlimited potential.

I have so many beautiful, good desires. And they never seem satisfied.

I have a handful of wishes I've been tossing in the same well since I was little. Nothings happened.

Do I need a different well?

I feel out of place. Everyone who has moved with me through life is moving or has moved on. And I still float, drifting along, grasping for anything to help me reach that shore where everyone I love seems to be.
How long will I float, I wonder? How long will I feel dissonant? How long until I can run away... because I can't stay floating here forever.

Dissonance is ironic. It has an intriguing pain to it. But without dissonance, the resolution of it would not exist. And that's the part I'm wanting. The song that's whispered its way through me the last few months has washed me in dissonance. I am ready for a beautiful resolution.