Thursday, March 29, 2012

enter if you dare...scarily honest

Today I crawled in the back seat of my car in the school parking lot, rolled the windows down and sprawled out on the significant pile of junk (anyone who knows my car knows this is an understatement). I rested my head on a wadded up pair of male dress pants (I seriously don't know WHERE they came from) and stared up and out my window at the almost-clouds. My thoughts drifted, and then they gravitated toward one singular thought.

Where has my heart been all year?

A sickening ache started right between my ribs, sneaking its way down my legs and up through my head. The ache spread everywhere. My whole body shivered with Ache. I closed my eyes as memory after memory cascaded through me of the times I'd shut my heart down this last year, the people I'd turned away.

I saw faces and smiles and tears.

People I love and care about I have let down. People. PEOPLE.

For those of you who have seen Schindler's List, you understand the painful reality in the moment when Schindler looks out on the crowd of Jews and realized he saved every single one of them, but also saw the space between them...the faceless strangers he could not save. That moment when his eyes shine with personal agony when he looks at his belongings and realizes every physical belonging he kept, kept another person from living.

Now I don't want to be Schindler, nor do I believe I am here to save anyone.

I merely relate to that bitter moment- that moment when you realize your heart has been not only absent, but locked away. And that my heart wasn't available to be there for anyone else.

I seriously doubt more than my sister even glances at this blog anymore, but to anyone's eyes who might chance a glance this are obviously my friend. And if you are my friend I have probably let you down in some way, and if that is the case I apologize.

I want to be completely honest. Number one- no one reads this anymore. Number two- no reads this anymore. Number three-honesty sets a soul free.

Confession number one: My heart discovered a new level of heartbreak this year. On so many levels. My heart has broken for my brother and his wife and their sweet, sweet kids (my adorable niece and nephew) as they have struggled through addiction, my heart has broken for my sister and her struggle with her health, which she has handled like a champion. My heart has broken for my parents as they have gone through their toughest years (luckily they are blessed with a wonderful marriage). My heart has broken for dear friends making bad decisions. My heart has broken in the hands of a man who is the only man I have allowed close enough, loved deep enough, and trusted take it in the first place. My heart has been sufficiently broken, the pieces scattered and I'm sure someone's creepy little pet is already gnawing on the remains...

BUT...Confession number two: My heart has loved. My heart has grown. With every break, it has left room for someone else to slip in there, another lesson sandwiches me in faith and trust in God. With every crack I have been able to grow, and as painful as it is I know it is making me into the person God has seen in me from the beginning.

Confession number three: I believe in new beginnings. I believe that my little brother and his wife can have a wonderful, sober life. I believe my sister will live long and healthy and be an example to others who struggle with health. I believe my parents marriage will only grow stronger through these years. I believe God will take care of my friends. I believe that when the time is right, when my heart is ready and I have grown into who I need to be, when he has grown into who he needs to be...we can have a chance to experience what we have 'almost' experienced from the day we met. And I won't stop loving him. I believe in the man he is, and I believe in the woman I am growing into. I believe everything that has been etched into my heart from the beginning. And as corny as it sounds, I'll just keep writing him songs until one day, one song says everything I ever wanted to say- moves him in ways my words never could.

Life is too wonderful to try to stop loving anyone I have ever loved. My heart just keeps growing. And I just keep getting stronger every day I walk with faith.