Wednesday, December 30, 2009

list for 2010, plus a glance back at '09

My list for 2010
find at least one amazing thing in every single person I meet
discover the depth of my spirit
Make more time for my relationship with God
Record my first demo CD
Write a song that says exactly what I need to hear when the hard times come
Finish my novel. Yes, Snow White and the Seven Mirrors is just dying to pour out of my head
get GOOD on guitar
go on a trip with my family
go on a trip with my friends
road trip to somwhere...and not know where I'm going til I get there
cliff jumping. Again :-)
make time for old friends
kiss someone in the rain :-)
overcome at least one fear. Maybe I'll eat a fried grasshopper...they DO sell them at hot topic
Read stories as a princess to the kids at Bekah's school
continue my dedication to health and fitness.
Perhaps I will give up my energy drink of choice...rockstar :-)
Actually WRITE IN MY JOURNAL. I write everywhere my journal
befriend someone new. Befriend MANY someone's new. I love making new friends
take a film class
audition for something I would be too scared too normally
keep my car in a relatively neat condition :-) Bunny deserves to be treated right
give thanks. To everyone who makes me better. Parents. Siblings. And my amazing amazing friends.
Look for those having a bad day and help them smile
perspective. I need to keep it in mind.

09 wasn't such a bad year. a rollercoaster of ups and downs, opening my heart, learning to trust in a better plan, and seeing the beautiful in alot of people.

left overs

you called and asked me to dinner
a table just for two
it all sounds so familiar
just like you used to do

I quietly whisper my consent
because I'm curious what you
could possibly have to say
and at this point, what do I have to lose

I'm already done with your left overs
the candles from last years birthday cake
I licked them clean long ago
And stored them far away

I'm over all the left overs
And I'm not scared to see you

Even though I still don't understand
This part of me that wants to

See you

We order something vegan
suddenly you're all PC
I realize I don't know you
Anymore than you know me

Time has passed and washed away
Traces of what we had
I'm not sure if it was even love
But the fadings just as sad

I'm already done with your left overs
the hot chocolate from your old roomates party
You said that it would last forever
But it melted into something bitter

I'm over all the left overs
And I'm not scared to see you

Even though I still don't understand
This part of me that wants to

See you

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

To Sir With Love. Classic

eat your heart out

not heartbreak...just heart weary

"whats wrong" someone asks
I don't know what to say
Except something in me is fading
Slowly melting away...
"Is it heartbreak?" another question
I don't think it is
Its just my heart is sick
And tired, and so worn thin

Can hearts wear out I wonder
I need to keep it strong
I know its not forever
But it feels forever long

My heart is wearing out
The beats are softening
I'm grasping what I can
And trying to feed it hope

But something in me whispers
The tales you tell your heart
The one's that make you smile
Aren't they? Because if they were true

You wouldn't be feeling this way
so weary and not like you
You wouldn't wake up with nightmares
You wouldn't have weeping words

Or maybe its just another chapter
That will pass to something new and better

Sunday, December 20, 2009

a strange obsession

I can't put my finger on why I am in love with Alfred Hitchcock movies. All I know is that on my 'sick' days there is nothing I would rather do than curl up on the couch and have a marathon of silent, subtle suspense starring babes with perfect coiffures. There is something haunting and unnerving about his films. I think they scare me on a core level that no contemporary stab-a-thon could hope to accomplish. I appreciate the storytelling in his directing, the genius camera angles that never quite show us enough, and leave us begging for more. Its not that I enjoy being frightened. I simply enjoy watching a master of concieving human emotion with a lens and method actors. Simply put. Ingenius.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

crazy people, lets be amazing

so. I do not understand why some girls completely sacrifice the ONE thing they can always claim. Dignity. My ex boyfriend's ex (who will not be named, we shall call her Jane Toe) has never stopped emailing me and harrassing him since the day we started dating. I just don't understand why she would lower herself and crawl back to someone that broke up with her. As a woman, I completely believe that break ups suck, yes. But, we need to rise and be better, find strength in ourselves. Chris and I broke up over the weekend. And it was one of the best, weirdest, and most unusual break ups of my life. It was SO mutual. I called him on the way home from his house and was like "We are ALWAYS on different pages. We are trying to have the same conversation in different languages." He totally agreed. And we decided we truly are better off as friends. Now, I will admit there is a bit of sadness at the parting of a relationship. Sure I miss him as a 'lover'. But the beautiful thing is, we are so completely honest and true to ourselves that we really ARE still best friends. We have talked every night since the break up like old best friends. Its been bitter sweet realizing we are not meant for romantic love. But we can still share a friendship love. Now, onto Jane Toe. Why, why I ask myself would a talented, cute girl act the way she has acted? I have honestly felt so sorry for the way she has degraded herself and stooped to this primal level of girl clinging to man. What are we, living in the 1700's? Last time I checked this is one of THE most empowering ages for a woman to live. I truly wish she would, for her own benefit, see how crazy she has truly acted and move on and accept that she is talented and special, and just NOT for Chris. She will find someone else. And yes. I KNOW breakups suck. I am the ultimate romantic. I believe in fairy tales, I put my heart and soul into the happy ending. And though this is a time of sadness for me, it can also be a time of hope. My happy ending is still out there. As is Jane Toe's. If only she would rise up and become who she can be. Girls, come one. Lets not be crazy. Lets be Amazing.


You were my almost prince charming
My almost happy ending
My almost crush
My almost love

You were my almost fairy tale
My almost sunset
My almost lover
My almost magic

You were my almost best friend
My almost dreamer
My almost dumb fights
My almost you're rights

You were my almost I love you
My almost I need you
My almost I want you
My almost had you


My Condolences

It wasn't cancer
Blood Loss
Or Heart Attack

But my condolences to your love lost

They watch me
I'm dying
Or crying

Did I miss something?
Are we at a funeral?

My condolences to your love lost

Cause of death?
Lack of
My condolences
To Neglect
And hollow
and lack of


To the death of a romance
The death of two hearts
To searching again
Being hungry again
Needing again

I give you. My condolences