Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I'm lost in the carnival

I walked through the luke-cold air outside today at campus and noticed a guy sitting under a tree singing. He didn't have a guitar, and upon closer inspection he wasn't even 'plugged in'. He was a retro-scrubbed-hippie with worn moccasins and the attitude of an owel. Now, he might look crazy to most, but I couldn't help but send him a smile. Nothing happened as I passed- he kept singing and I kept walking. But my day changed. Suddenly I was shimmering like a fallen sequin through a carnival. Everybody and everything I saw was suddenly garishly appealing in the daylight- exposed, real. That guy singing out loud with no abandon surged me with the urge to be fearless. To sing my own musical. I love days that are full of music. Today was one of those days.

I have to admit that my recent breakup has been EASIER than I ever dreamed it could be. I attribute this to carnival days and dreamy nights and of course the gospel. I don't feel alone in the carnival...I feel dazzled.

I hope to have another carnival day soon :-)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

playing around with lyrics

I don't believe
you get one chance
and once its past- its gone
I don't believe you get one dance
and you lost if you get it wrong
I do believe our dance has made us dizzy
And for awhile now my head and heart
have been spinning

So you tripped over my heart
the second we fell apart
It hurt, I admit for a moment
A moment that lasted too long
Sometimes I'm caught, still lost in our song
But the music still calls to me
I'm shaking, but I'm standing
Unsteady but brave I take another hand
I'm not afraid to dance again.

Who said you get one
Once Upon a Time?
I believe in one happy ending
But once upon a times
I think you get at least
a dozen times
I'm shaking but I'm standing.
I'm gonna get my ending.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

You can't count the raindrops

I have lived by a code of 'never get too personal' on my blog, facebook, and on my rare tweet. Sure, I will explore feelings about situations I may be experiencing, but very seldom do I explore the actual details--the nitty-gritty. Tonight, my friends, I must explore. I must explore because my heart is bursting at the seams with the need for it. So even though I don't want to necessarily share what should be private, I will try very delicately to sift through the havoc that has been wreaked on my heart.

Three weeks and two days ago my best friend proposed to me. It was a little left field, because we hadn't dated in a year...but I did not doubt his intentions in getting back together (I wasn't entirely sold on the marriage thing, but I figured we could ease back into a relationship). If someone gets down on one knee...it should mean something. Now, admittedly he was extremely emotionally charged as was I, but aren't most people swimming in emotions when they are down on one knee?

Tonight...we are both single.

Tonight...we are two best friends separated.

I sit here in a mess of tear-streaky mascara and a pile of tissue as I try to work out WHAT went wrong. I have figured out a few things.

One. It doesn't matter how brave I am...if HE isn't brave, or willing to fight...we've lost the battle.

Two. Life sucks sometimes. As does love.

Three. I hate to admit this, because I have fought my whole life against it, but I think I have finally lost faith in 'love'. In dating. In romance. In relationships. Walls are creeping up all around my heart at an astounding rate and I pity anyone who tries to penetrate their necessary-born-sturdiness.

I guess I've learned the answer to one of life's questions: why no, men and women CAN'T just be friends, or even best friends...the sex part (as I quote When Harry Met Sally) ALWAYS gets in the way.

I'm sure after a box of sleeping pills, a pore-cleansing mask, some sour patch, and a good facebook clean out I will be feeling better.