Saturday, February 5, 2011

You can't count the raindrops

I have lived by a code of 'never get too personal' on my blog, facebook, and on my rare tweet. Sure, I will explore feelings about situations I may be experiencing, but very seldom do I explore the actual details--the nitty-gritty. Tonight, my friends, I must explore. I must explore because my heart is bursting at the seams with the need for it. So even though I don't want to necessarily share what should be private, I will try very delicately to sift through the havoc that has been wreaked on my heart.

Three weeks and two days ago my best friend proposed to me. It was a little left field, because we hadn't dated in a year...but I did not doubt his intentions in getting back together (I wasn't entirely sold on the marriage thing, but I figured we could ease back into a relationship). If someone gets down on one should mean something. Now, admittedly he was extremely emotionally charged as was I, but aren't most people swimming in emotions when they are down on one knee?

Tonight...we are both single.

Tonight...we are two best friends separated.

I sit here in a mess of tear-streaky mascara and a pile of tissue as I try to work out WHAT went wrong. I have figured out a few things.

One. It doesn't matter how brave I am...if HE isn't brave, or willing to fight...we've lost the battle.

Two. Life sucks sometimes. As does love.

Three. I hate to admit this, because I have fought my whole life against it, but I think I have finally lost faith in 'love'. In dating. In romance. In relationships. Walls are creeping up all around my heart at an astounding rate and I pity anyone who tries to penetrate their necessary-born-sturdiness.

I guess I've learned the answer to one of life's questions: why no, men and women CAN'T just be friends, or even best friends...the sex part (as I quote When Harry Met Sally) ALWAYS gets in the way.

I'm sure after a box of sleeping pills, a pore-cleansing mask, some sour patch, and a good facebook clean out I will be feeling better.


  1. Sweet Jenn, this is so sad, but I hope you followed your heart and your gut and you did what you needed to do. I am sorry :(

  2. Oh Jenn, I am so sorry, and I too don't know what to say. In cases like these, I doubt there's anything I could say that would take any of the hurt away.

    Just know I feel for you, and I love you. You deserve the best, and even though it's hard to see right now, one day the best will find you.

    I'm sending lots of love your way.

  3. Aww Jenn darling!! I wish I was in the same continent as you right now!! :( Sending you all my love and thoughts, and wishing I could take away your pain.

    One day, things will be okay, it may not seem like it now, but it will all work out, everything happens for a reason. xoxox