Sunday, May 2, 2010

scratched lens

I realized today sitting in church that the wash of weird and bad dating experiences has finally rubbed off on me. Like a manicured hand with freshly painted nails that is suddenly dipped in fingernail polish remover. What happened to me isn't 'staining' it is 'stripping.' And then I realized, that because a lot of the enchanting ideals I have have been stripped, my lens on life is...weary. It can't seem to focus as easily. And my heartbeats, that used to thud with romance and hope, beat slower and with trepidation. And what really struck me this effects my relationships with EVERYONE. Not just dating. That was what hit me hardest. I don't want to be a hobbling turtle when it comes to being their for my family and friends. I still want to be fast and present and not weary. But.
And even admitting this in any written form is HARD for me. I hate thinking it, yet alone admitting it. But there is something sharp and honest about writing it down. And I don't know if ANYONE will even read it. But its there, for me. Because admitting I am weary means I can start regrouping. That's right. I WILL not lie down and just let my fuzzy lens take over. I will fight. And I will get that lens back...I guess it never really left. It just got scratched.

1 comment:

  1. You are amazing. I feel my lens is scratched too-about my career though. And just like you, I am determined to keep fighting.