list for 2010, plus a glance back at '09

My list for 2010
find at least one amazing thing in every single person I meet
discover the depth of my spirit
Make more time for my relationship with God
Record my first demo CD
Write a song that says exactly what I need to hear when the hard times come
Finish my third..er...fourth novel. Yes, Snow White and the Seven Mirrors is just dying to pour out of my head
get GOOD on guitar
go on a trip with my family
go on a trip with my friends
road trip to somwhere...and not know where I'm going til I get there
cliff jumping. Again :-)
make time for old friends
kiss someone in the rain :-)
overcome at least one fear. Maybe I'll eat a fried grasshopper...they DO sell them at hot topic
Read stories as a princess to the kids at Bekah's school
continue my dedication to health and fitness.
Perhaps I will give up my energy drink of choice...rockstar :-)
Actually WRITE IN MY JOURNAL. I write everywhere but...in my journal
befriend someone new. Befriend MANY someone's new. I love making new friends
take a film class
audition for something I would be too scared too normally
keep my car in a relatively neat condition :-) Bunny deserves to be treated right
give thanks. To everyone who makes me better. Parents. Siblings. And my amazing amazing friends.
Look for those having a bad day and help them smile
perspective. I need to keep it in mind.

09 wasn't such a bad year. a rollercoaster of ups and downs, opening my heart, learning to trust in a better plan, and seeing the beautiful in alot of people.

left overs

you called and asked me to dinner
a table just for two
it all sounds so familiar
just like you used to do

I quietly whisper my consent
because I'm curious what you
could possibly have to say
and at this point, what do I have to lose

I'm already done with your left overs
the candles from last years birthday cake
I licked them clean long ago
And stored them far away

I'm over all the left overs
And I'm not scared to see you

Even though I still don't understand
This part of me that wants to

See you

We order something vegan
suddenly you're all PC
I realize I don't know you
Anymore than you know me

Time has passed and washed away
Traces of what we had
I'm not sure if it was even love
But the fadings just as sad

I'm already done with your left overs
the hot chocolate from your old roomates party
You said that it would last forever
But it melted into something bitter

I'm over all the left overs
And I'm not scared to see you

Even though I still don't understand
This part of me that wants to

See you

To Sir With Love. Classic

eat your heart out

not heartbreak...just heart weary

"whats wrong" someone asks
I don't know what to say
Except something in me is fading
Slowly melting away...
"Is it heartbreak?" another question
I don't think it is
Its just my heart is sick
And tired, and so worn thin

Can hearts wear out I wonder
I need to keep it strong
I know its not forever
But it feels forever long

My heart is wearing out
The beats are softening
I'm grasping what I can
And trying to feed it hope

But something in me whispers
Lies.
The tales you tell your heart
The one's that make you smile
Lies.
Aren't they? Because if they were true

You wouldn't be feeling this way
so weary and not like you
You wouldn't wake up with nightmares
You wouldn't have weeping words

Or maybe its just another chapter
That will pass to something new and better

a strange obsession

I can't put my finger on why I am in love with Alfred Hitchcock movies. All I know is that on my 'sick' days there is nothing I would rather do than curl up on the couch and have a marathon of silent, subtle suspense starring babes with perfect coiffures. There is something haunting and unnerving about his films. I think they scare me on a core level that no contemporary stab-a-thon could hope to accomplish. I appreciate the storytelling in his directing, the genius camera angles that never quite show us enough, and leave us begging for more. Its not that I enjoy being frightened. I simply enjoy watching a master of concieving human emotion with a lens and method actors. Simply put. Ingenius.

crazy people, lets be amazing

so. I do not understand why some girls completely sacrifice the ONE thing they can always claim. Dignity. My ex boyfriend's ex (who will not be named, we shall call her Jane Toe) has never stopped emailing me and harrassing him since the day we started dating. I just don't understand why she would lower herself and crawl back to someone that broke up with her. As a woman, I completely believe that break ups suck, yes. But, we need to rise and be better, find strength in ourselves. Chris and I broke up over the weekend. And it was one of the best, weirdest, and most unusual break ups of my life. It was SO mutual. I called him on the way home from his house and was like "We are ALWAYS on different pages. We are trying to have the same conversation in different languages." He totally agreed. And we decided we truly are better off as friends. Now, I will admit there is a bit of sadness at the parting of a relationship. Sure I miss him as a 'lover'. But the beautiful thing is, we are so completely honest and true to ourselves that we really ARE still best friends. We have talked every night since the break up like old times...like best friends. Its been bitter sweet realizing we are not meant for romantic love. But we can still share a friendship love. Now, onto Jane Toe. Why, why I ask myself would a talented, cute girl act the way she has acted? I have honestly felt so sorry for the way she has degraded herself and stooped to this primal level of girl clinging to man. What are we, living in the 1700's? Last time I checked this is one of THE most empowering ages for a woman to live. I truly wish she would, for her own benefit, see how crazy she has truly acted and move on and accept that she is talented and special, and just NOT for Chris. She will find someone else. And yes. I KNOW breakups suck. I am the ultimate romantic. I believe in fairy tales, I put my heart and soul into the happy ending. And though this is a time of sadness for me, it can also be a time of hope. My happy ending is still out there. As is Jane Toe's. If only she would rise up and become who she can be. Girls, come one. Lets not be crazy. Lets be Amazing.

Almost

You were my almost prince charming
My almost happy ending
My almost crush
My almost love

You were my almost fairy tale
My almost sunset
My almost lover
My almost magic

You were my almost best friend
My almost dreamer
My almost dumb fights
My almost you're rights

You were my almost I love you
My almost I need you
My almost I want you
My almost had you

Almost.

My Condolences

It wasn't cancer
Injury
Blood Loss
Or Heart Attack

But my condolences to your love lost

They watch me
Expecting
I'm dying
Or crying

Did I miss something?
Are we at a funeral?

My condolences to your love lost

Cause of death?
Lack of
Feeling
Perhaps
Little
Meaning
My condolences
To Neglect
And hollow
pride
and lack of
communication

Condolences

To the death of a romance
The death of two hearts
Condolences
To searching again
Being hungry again
Needing again

I give you. My condolences

Why.

Why. Its a funny word. Why Can mean so much. Can want so much. I find myself asking it often lately. And the logical answer is of course that Why's happen. Why's are the reason we live. Why does it hail on us the moment we think things will go okay? Why do we go through phases of loving and hating ourselves and not understanding Why? Why can't we understand where we come from and with that live with a peaceful reassurance? Why do we fall in love...why do we fall in hate...why do we accept someone completely, but someone else we turn away? Why do the holidays make us think about things that matter. Why Do things Matter? People matter. Why? Relationships matter. Why? Why are we our own worst enemies? Why do we create a world of slashed colors and restricted principals? Why are we afraid? Why do we give in? Why...sometimes...in the midst of chaos do we find the hero in ourselves? Why. Why. Why. A whiny word. An annoying word. But more than a word...a philosophy. And I think it exists in the world we live. Why floats around us like a hazy smog. And Why? I wish Why would go away. Sometimes.

talk about it

I don't want you to be another maybe
I don't want you to be another could have
Would have
If I had
said yes

I don't want you to be another too scared
I don't want you to be another weren't there
Almost
had you
but I lost you

I don't want you to be another I ran
I don't want you to be another just friends
But I am
scared to
talk about it

I just want to let you in
I just want to be a little brave
I just want to give you me
I just want to ride this wave

I don't want to push you away
I don't want to be alone forever
But I'm still
Trying
to talk about it

Can't Talk

It was one of those nights
the kind of nights, where the stars lit the sky
the moment when your eyes found mine
and you took me into your soul

you said I was everything
Everything you dreamed of
Everything, everything you wanted
Everything, everything you needed

And I said nothing

It was one of those times
the kind of times where the world stops spinning
the time of night, where morning is blushing over you
and I couldn't tell you
couldn't show you

that you were everything
Everything I dreamed of
Everything, everything I ever wanted
Everything, everything I ever needed

I said nothing.

Does it have to be so scary baby?
Do I have to give it all or nothing?
Because I can't give everything. I'm scared of losing everything.

Do I have to say it out loud baby?
Do you have to hear the words?
Can't you look at me and know

I'll give you everything but noise.

playing with fairy tales

best job in the world? being a princess :-)

a love of color

you're my crayola sky of indigo

white chalk clouds and lemon sun

scarlet streaks of smokey east

candy colored rays of fun

every time i see your eyes

a jade pool of marble comes to mind

every time i hear your voice

chocolate colored melodic noise

every time i let you in

a tidal wave of rainbow, my favorite sin

p'p-p-poker faceeeee

joker, queen. Don't play your face
I might hold Royal, or even straights
pairs anyone?
you give me the eye
a bluff?
my call?
its all a lie

Rewind.

Driving in the car, window down
drinking in the city perfume
Watching people pass.
I never could imagine
I'd have so much on my mind.

Games.

Just another number.
Thats what I was I guess.
Another mark of chalk
Another returned mess.

Just another number.
Folded and put away.
Make sure its folded nice
and tight
You might want me
on a Rainy Day.

Another number
for the hall of names
of who gets who.
A dizzy game

sad to say you wouldn't
play cat and mouse
with me.
sad to say I'm just a card
in a deck of fifty three

oh well I guess
I grab my hat
slip my sunglasses on

you never knew I held the ace
and sweetie, now I'm gone

dresses with flirty skirts
flavored lip gloss
pajama shirts
chocolates
i'm a girl

starry skies with starry eyes
nights on the town
nights in
pretty
girl

being told i'm beautiful
calling someone beautiful
dancing and dress up
we never grow up

fairy tales and scandals
high heels and sandals
chocolate dipped strawberries
trying to be healthy

i am a girl

no matter what i say
i want a prince
to save the day

proms. pink. pretend.
romance. roses. red.
singing. sweet. showers.
free. forever. flowers.

i am a girl.

can't stand...can't fight

sometimes words can't describe
the way i feel inside
try to find the thing to say
everything evaporates
and melts away

and all that's left is my soul
bruised, bleeding, raw
after a beating so brash
i can't stand at all

i can't see
because of my black eyes
i can't hear
because the blood
drowns the noise

my heartbeat is loud
my stomach is tight
they still want more
another fight

what if i can't?
find the strength to stand
what if I want to
melt away in the sand

sticky and hot
worn to a pulp
no place to turn
everywhere is cold


so i won't try to say
what i'm feeling right now
i'll just let it settle
and hopefully fade out.

pounding.
pulsing.
still going strong
everyone wants to see
if i'll last very long

cheers from the crowd
willing me to my feet
do they want a triumph
or another defeat?

ode to my favorite tale of breaking spells and kissing.

Cursed to be in endless sleep
you came to me, danced in my dreams
I struggled to balance, feel alive
You offered passion's rocky dive

Hair of gold, and lips of red
shouldn't go untouched you said
So you took me by the hand
and waltzed me into fairy land

I didn't question
I couldn't speak
I could only
give you me

We danced through clouds
of cotton candy
you lifted me
to Heaven's landing

I couldn't help but prick myself
collapse in coldness
and slip under the spell

you fought the dragon
slayed the enemy
all to save me
all to have me



who said fairy tales don't exist?
you broke the spell with true loves kiss

life is a...

they say life is a circus
but i don't think its true
my heart was stable
before i met you

the moment we met
i was walking the high wire
a balancing act
as we danced through the fire

a performer by nature
you took to the stage
the dusty ring and hot lights
the audience's rage

i was more shaky
not sure on my feet
but it didn't matter
i was forced to trapeze

flying through air
that smelled of popcorn and candy
i gasped for breath
but came up empty

the high's and the lows
forced me to suspend
my body out of control
my heart in your hands

life was a black and white
before i met you
safe. secure. easy.
breezy. trusted. true

life's not a circus
love's the real show
i just hope i survive
the spotlights hot glow

round and round and round we go
dancing, balancing, our two act
show

jumping off will be quite the fight
but not as hard as surviving spotlight

red tricycle love

goodbye my red tricycle love
with blue handle bars
we shot for the moon
ended up on mars

training wheels only get you so far

you were a rickety ride
as you charged me inside
pummeling through me
scraped knees are ugly

don't think i won't miss
the lazy, slow glide
the breezy way you make me
feel alive

cotton candy stops
ice cycle pops
spring rain on my cheeks
has turned to tear streaks

so i'll miss you, my red tricycle love
but its time for a two wheeler
all i needs a shove

and i'm off in the sunset
flying free
reminiscing the memories
of you riding with me

vogue much

joy

taste some sugar.
feel some rain.
dance a little.
laugh again.

joy.